Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Mutated gene being blamed for urge to sail

Geneva, Switzerland (April 1, 2015) – Scientists announced that a mutated gene they believe is responsible for the compulsive urge to sail.

The so-called “da Gama” mutation, named after the famed Portuguese explorer Vasco da Gama, was discovered by a team of Oxford University geneticists attempting to isolate “miscreant” genes in a group of compulsive gamblers. It was during an informal round-table discussion that lead-scientist Hugo Fefferton, Jr., himself a Thistle sailor, and a recovering problem-baccarat player, discovered that nearly 80% of the study’s participants were also sailors.

A quick series of tests revealed a rare mutation to gene ABDB7, which is now believed to be a primary driver of the constant urge to sail.

“While we are obviously disappointed that we’re no closer to understanding problem gambling,” Fefferton, Jr., said, “we are thrilled to have discovered the da Gama mutation.”

Fefferton, Jr. believes this discovery has significant economic benefits. “Employees that sail are highly inefficient, spending notable time reading online sailing news, or just thinking about boats. Now that we’ve identified the mutation we can create drug therapies that will specifically target the mutation, and hopefully stifle the urge to sail.”

Fefferton, Jr. is already considered a front-runner for the Nobel Prize in genetics. Pushing hardest for this commendation is the group STAB (Stop Talking About Boats), comprised mostly of disgruntled spouses of sailors.

We all now have an excuse to go sailing and be obsessed...

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